Intentionally or not, sometimes we hurt people. And we get hurt. It's ironic how we don't easily get hurt by strangers, but when we do get hurt or we hurt someone, it usually involves someone we love. We're supposed to love them, right? Then why do we hurt them? For their own good? Maybe. But perhaps we become so comfortable around them that our bad side rears its ugly head, and we hurt them for no reason at all. We hurt them to protect our own egos. We hurt them in order to push the blame away from ourselves. And we get hurt for the same reasons.

There's a very cliched, cheesy quote that I'm sure everyone knows: sometimes we apologise even when we're not at fault because we cherish the relationship more than our own ego. I wish it were true for me all the time. If you know me, and I mean really know me, you know I am not someone that's easy to be with. Sometimes I think I'm the most difficult person in the world to be with, simply because of how hot-headed and stubborn I can be. In an argument, I will never back off. I will never be the first one to cool off. And I will almost always never be the first to apologise, even if I knew I was being unreasonable. My words become poisonous, and my own ugly emotions eat away at my soul. It's toxic. It is toxic for someone to try to be with me. It is detrimental for someone to try to get to know me. Again, I mean to really know me. My evil side will suck your life away; it's happened before, and it's happening again.

It has been four and a half years since I've been alone. Over the past four and a half years I've forgotten what it's like to be alone. Not lonely, but alone. I've forgotten how to pick up my own feet and walk by myself. And though it's been four and a half years, I know that I'm not ready. I'm not ready for this. I'm not ready for commitment. I need to learn to be alone before I can learn to be with someone else. I need to learn to control my bad side and to suppress it before revealing it to anyone. I need to heal from myself. I need to be alone.

No more.