I went through a tough patch about two weeks ago. PH and I had a fight, and a really really bad one. (Heads-up, we didn't break up) We were on the verge of breaking up and in the past I used to make threats about how I would break up with him when I was angry about something (yes I'm a lousy girlfriend lol), but this time it felt so real because during the fight I just kept pushing my point across and eventually, he gave up fighting back and accepted it.

I didn't tell anyone this, but my first reaction: finally. And then after another few seconds it dawned upon me: I didn't want to do this. I didn't want to leave. Because even though we had all these stupid fights and this one very serious one, those fights never lasted long and the happy, even mundane memories are the ones that stick. I don't even know what we used to fight about. And I was so used to having him there that I couldn't possibly go on without him. Everywhere I turned there was a reminder of the impact he had left on my life - gifts, letters, even places we had gone together. I know it sounds cliche but really it's the truth. He's become so much a part of me that leaving would mean leaving a huge chunk of myself behind too. And there was no way I could do that, ever.

Yesterday in church I was in charge of leading the songs for the congregation. Ever since I recovered from my stomach illness whenever I went up there I always felt nauseous (it may just be psychological). Before the service I kept telling myself that no I didn't want to lead songs any more it's way too traumatic to be standing in front of so many people feeling like I want to puke. But as I led the congregation in songs I realised that hey, this is where I belong. On the stage, in front of everyone, serving God by leading the songs. And the lyrics of the songs spoke to me, even though what I said up there probably didn't mean much to me or anyone else. I belong here, I belong to the worship team in this church.

These two things are among the few constants in my life. Of course there are still my parents whom I love very much and my closest friends, but this week I was reminded constantly of these two constants. Amid the changes going on in my life right now - university, hall council, late nights, readings - these are the things and the people who keep me going. God, my boyfriend, my family, my closest friends. These are people I can never live without, and you can say they come as a package and losing even one of them would mean chaos in my life. I love them all so much and really I wouldn't be where I am today without their advice, their guidance, their encouragement. I am a very fortunate child and I thank God everyday for that.