Had a really nice chat with P on Sunday after YF. We started talking over cups of iced milo before service started and somehow we managed to talk until the service had pretty much ended. But seriously I do not regret missing the service to talk to her because it was a very refreshing time for me. I realised after talking to her that I haven't really opened up to anyone as much as I did on Sunday for the longest time. I mean yes there's PH but opening up to him just comes by default. And I can't talk to PH and himself right? So on Sunday when I was talking with P he came up as well (all good things I promise) and it felt so great being able to have an intimate talk with someone new.

It got me thinking: in the past when I was in Sec 1 or 2 or even Sec 3/4 I was always very willing to open up to anyone who talked to me. So long as someone showed genuine care towards me I most probably wouldn't hesitate to talk more about myself. But then when it came to JC until now I gradually became a much more closed person - not just a more introverted person but a closed one. I didn't really share any part of my personal life with anyone other than the person closest to me i.e. my boyfriend. I don't know, I suppose it got harder for me to open up to people because so much of my life now revolved around that one person. All the intimacy with other people became limited to one person. It may also be because of events past like the break up and the judging by other people that I became very self-conscious and wary of who I was talking to and how much I shared. In a sense I guess you could draw parallels between this change and a small innocent child learning not to ask questions about everything over time - especially those about the most obvious things.

So on Sunday when I talked to P for about an hour and a half, it was therapeutic. I got so many things (mostly about serving in church) off my chest and listened to an opinion that was not my own - which gave me a new perspective as well as many things to learn from her, because she has had a lot more experience in this and in life in general. At the end of it I could practically feel that the weight on my shoulders had lessened and I was a lot more at peace with myself, and happy. Maybe that was why I was so much happier when I was in high school (lol).

P also mentioned to me that it's very easy for people to talk to me, because I'm naturally outgoing and I would naturally go and talk to people myself. She also said something about how I was someone who is very easy to relate to. At that point my first reaction was "really meh?" because honestly, I treasure my alone time more than talking to anybody and I guard this alone time very fiercely. I've become a very introverted and reserved person over the years even though most may not realise it. So when P said I was outgoing, in my head I was going "huh??" because really I no longer thought that was an appropriate description of who I am today. But like I said, it's a new perspective, and P can definitely see me in a way that I don't see myself, so in a way I still do believe her. Perhaps that's the side I show on the outside - the more outgoing, happy exterior.

I think talking to people and being intimate with friends is something that I can and should relearn from my past self. Really there's no point being afraid of criticism and judgement because like everyone else I am imperfect (even though I have perfect expectations of myself) and I can use some constructive criticism every once in a while.