Hello everyone, so sorry to post something like this, AGAIN. I've spent the past few weeks setting up a new site over at Wordpress, and today I'm finally ready to reveal it to everyone.

Why Wordpress? Because Wordpress is a lot more organised than Blogger (sorry Blogger), and even though there are limited designs (unless you agree to pay for a premium account), it's easier to organise my posts on Wordpress into categories and different pages.

What's different about my moving to Wordpress? I've imported most of my posts from this blog to Wordpress, except some really weird ones, and in addition I've created a few pages on my Wordpress to facilitate better filtering of posts. So I've added poems and prose so that whenever you feel like it you can click on either of the links to see my portfolio of documents. Do note though that I am not in any way a professional in creative writing; I just happened to take a mod this sem called Intro to Creative Writing and I fell in love with writing poetry and prose, hence this modification. I'll get better with time so don't judge me.

What's going to happen to this site? I'm going to delete it at the start of 2015, so if you want to continue reading my posts then go on to my Wordpress site instead!

Okay so without further ado, my Wordpress site is (click!): dulcetcolloquy.wordpress.com :) See you soon!

I just had a very relaxing, nice heart to heart with some of my school/hall mates. It started out with just J and I at the garden, then YJ and C joined us a while later. Somehow from around 11pm we talked till 2am (with M and G joining us towards the end); I have so many things to do and so little time but this was something I was really glad I gave my time for.

We had fun talking about fun things like school life, hall life, even joking around with "potential couples" in school and then pointing out that it isn't uncommon for people to get a lifelong partner in uni. As the night wore on we started talking about more serious things, such as how we are bound by our grades and how grades are not supposed to matter so much, to things like relationships and advice (mutually exclusive). I haven't talked to friends at such a deep level for so long, and it was a really nice feeling being with them late at night, taking time off from this hell week and just relaxing together. Such simple times are the ones in uni that I would truly treasure, because it's the "boring" times that really matter the most. Amidst the hectic lifestyle that is uni and the build-up of stress, I found my friends. And I can't be more thankful to God for granting me such wonderful companions in this place.

I think I am slowly beginning to know this place as home.

I am counting down the weeks and days to the end of the semester. The last two weeks have been hell for me, and the last three weeks of the semester ahead are going to be worse, I'm pretty sure. Hopefully God will grant me the strength and perseverance to endure to the end of the semester and finals.... well even though I only have one final paper but that is going to be a traumatising experience because I don't know anything about international relations -_- Why did I even take that module.

Summer time is here
The sunshine rains down upon
Us like rays of joy

Autumn, oh autumn
You bring about so much change
When the time is due

Winter days are dark
And cold, especially when
There’s no one to hold

Spring, we meet once more
Your colors bright hold all my
Future hopes and dreams


--Hilary

I had the most tiring Voice Production class today. The most taxing part of today's lesson was reading a passage from Shakespeare's King Lear. Basically we were asked to read a monologue by King Lear as he was cursing on a mountain because of the bad treatment he received from his two oldest daughters. And we had to experiment with our bodies (sounds wrong) and use them to express ourselves while reading the monologue. So being the angry passage it was we all stamped our feet and shouted in exasperation and ran all around the room; doing it 4-5 times in succession was really really tiring and I felt so taxed out by the end of the 30 minutes. Newfound respect for Theatre people seriously. It's not easy to be able to act well (and I'm saying this from my experience in a really really REALLY fundamental-based class).

This led me to realise that there really is no easy way out of studies or work or life in general. I used to think that it would be "easier" to study things like music or theatre or the arts. But upon experiencing it for myself I definitely don't think that way any more. For example, in theatre alone an actor has to learn voice production, enunciation, expression, body language, audience captivation, use of space, etc. and those are just the bare basics. Haven't even mentioned things such as variation of tones and how to interpret and analyse texts. People take years to study theatre for a reason. Same as music, same as art, same as any other major you want to take, really.

Which leads me to get really angry when people tell me that I learnt music just so that I have a "backup plan", so that if anything I can just "teach music". Please, if only it were so simple. If it were that easy I would just collate as many diploma certificates as I can and I would be one of the best music teachers in the world. But it doesn't work that way. To be a good music teacher would be to get a degree in music, or a Masters or even a PhD. Having a piano diploma does not make you qualified to be a music teacher (okay, maybe last time it was sufficient but not in our current time and age). I can have a piano diploma but that may just mean I can play and memorise pieces well. Doesn't mean I know all about the history of music and music analysis and theory and certainly does not mean I have the ability to teach, just because I have this qualification on paper. People who think that having a paper qualification is enough are just way too naive and don't know enough.

I also hate it when people tell me that "things like music don't need to go university to study one". Seriously? I know that the arts and all were not as recognised in the past, but that's because the people who were involved in the arts in the past were actually the only ones who were good at them. Natural, raw talent. Still that doesn't mean they didn't work their asses off getting as good as they are/were. And that certainly does not undermine the importance of the arts in contrast to science. In fact what would life be without the arts, I don't know. Many people probably won't want to live in such a world. But I digress. The point is that if you're serious about something, there's no easy way out. And if you're committed to it you won't say things like "don't need to do this la" because you would want to do it anyway.

Oh my gosh I don't know why this post became so angst.

Okay, so just now I had a very impromptu, spur-of-the-moment thing: I followed my hall's Cultural Director the the music room, walked in and said, "Hi, can I audition for Jam Band?" I felt so bad a few seconds later because they told the next guy to wait while they auditioned me and at the same time I felt so excited. It's been a really long while since I had gone for an audition; the last ones I went for went horribly, needless to say (UK conservatories). Oddly enough though when I spontaneously went for the Jam Band auditions I didn't feel any nervousness or chills or the need to shit. I was relaxed and nonchalant, and I did quite well if I do say so myself. And yes I got in.

So for the audition they asked me which instrument I could play or if I was doing vocals. My response: "I can play all the instruments." I'm not trying to brag here; I have a point to this. It is true that I can play all the instruments in a band. That's a skill I pride myself with. It's something that defines who I am. But I have no idea how other people will perceive this when I tell them this fact. Do they think I'm a pretentious show-off? Do they think I'm cool? Do they think it's impossible? Do they not like the fact that I can play so many instruments? I asked myself so many times tonight: should I have lied and said I could only play one instrument? But now that I think about it; no. Saying that would only make me a liar to them and myself. I would have let me down.

There's a fine line that separates humility and self-deprecation. That I can play so many instruments is a fact - no form of humility should ever lead me to lie and say that I don't. It's a fact and when I say I play that many instruments, that is all I'm stating. I'm not bragging, I'm not boasting, I'm not showing off. If you asked me, I would tell you plainly. If I lied instead, that would be a form of self-deprecation. If I went around telling everyone I met, "Hey I can play this number of instruments", THAT would be boasting. But I don't usually mention this about myself unless someone probes deeper.

Know the line that separates humility and self-deprecation. It's one thing to go too far and boast until everyone hates you; it's another thing to go too far and reduce yourself to a level lower than that which you are actually at.

I've never been a fan of my own birthday. I love celebrating others' birthdays - planning, surprising my friends - but I don't exactly love being under the spotlight myself. Probably another thing that has changed about me; I used to like being the centre of attention, of being the one everyone's eyes are on. But over the years I've realised that not much good comes out of it, especially since there are so many others out there who deserve the attention way more than I do. For instance, I was so keen on becoming the president for my CCA back in high school and JC, that when I got it in high school I was so happy I almost cried and when I didn't get it in JC I almost cried. But then I did such a bad job in high school and in JC I felt so comfortable not being under the spotlight. So now I prefer to stay in the background. Now when someone asks me to run for Hall Council president next AY I just cringe at the thought and my immediate answer is "no". But I digress.

It's by default in our culture that on your birthday you're under the spotlight. This year I spent my birthday in school and it was celebrated twice. But the one celebration at midnight was way too overwhelming and then I just spent my whole birthday crying at least 3 times until it became night time. I didn't even go for any of my lessons that day and now I'm probably way behind.

I'm not saying I didn't love the celebration - I appreciated every single person involved in it, and I was so touched that my closest friends came down all the way to my school at midnight. I thank everyone for planning and executing the celebration for me. :) But I haven't been under the spotlight for so long that it's become so difficult for me to get used to it again. And so the anxiety attacks ensued.

Only one year older - but definitely a very different person.